An Update

Hello anyone who is reading,
 There has been a long span of time since my last post.  A lot has happened in that time, but I am not going to walk you step by step through that time.  I will say it has been a time of growth.

I just read through my old posts.  I actually complained about gas prices being $3.19! Isn't that a joke?

But I realized, I left this not very happy.  Being a freshman in college was hard at first.  Boy was I scared.  Am I still scared? Yes.  Do I still get homesick? Yes.  But I am much more happy now because I learned to let it be.

By second semester of freshman year I had gathered a group of wonderful friends.  They are really who have made Marshall what it is for me.  They are why I love it here so much.  I also love journalism.  Really do.

I am now in my second semester of sophomore year.  Next year I will be out of the dorms and in a house with four of my closest friends.  I will hopefully (fingers crossed) be an editor for the school paper.  It will also be time to apply for internships (yikes).  So  there is a lot of new, exciting, unknown and scary things happening in my life.  But I have wonderful friends, still have a supportive family and loving boyfriend (yes we are still together and better than ever).

The lesson I have learned is you cannot change the past or control the future.  You can't control those around you.  You can't control what happens to you.  So you have to let it be and go with the flow.  This has helped me become a less stressed person.  (Not to say some nights I can't sleep because scary thoughts of the future creep up on me)

It is nice to see how I have grown.  Sometimes I feel like I am still 16.  But reading through my past has really made me see how I have matured.  Maybe I thought by this time I would have it all figured out.  Maybe I thought I would be so confident I would be a whole new person.  But I am essentially still the same person, just with lessons from God under my belt.

"And I can't change,
Even if I tried.
Even if I wanted to."

Here's To Love

Let me begin to tell how excited I am for this weekend.  I am going to Young Adult retreat.  I wanted to post a picture that describes how I feel inside.  This picture sums it up.


It's love and laughter and my best friends.  I really don't know what else would sum this up.  <---- this is what I am so excited for. Even if Kenzie won't be there.  (I'm just not thinking about that)


Anyway, my stomach is just turning when I think about it.  It will be just what I need.  It's always what I need, even if I'm doing great! :) Here's to love <3

Two Things

Two things: One is good, one is not so good.  Which do you want first?


I'll start with the not so good, because it is how I am currently feeling.  
-On Tuesday, Teen Mom was on.  A show that I love.  It's a guilty pleasure. (For real, Bently is the cutest baby ever).  So, anyway, Caitlyn got super insecure over Tyler.  He wanted to go out, she doesn't like it because she gets jealous.  I'd be lying if I said that I don't relate.  Because I do.  Very much.  Now, she gets jealous because she is very insecure about herself and her looks.  And well, right now  so am I.  I don't feel it all the time.  Sometimes I love myself.  Everything about myself.  But then, I go on Facebook.  I see these cute girls that Tyler is friends with.  He's making new friends and that's great.  But they look so awesome. They are edgy and quirky.  I'm, not.  I'm quiet.  I listen, don't partake.  I observe.   I'm pretty conservative in my clothing.  I'm plain.  Don't make a statement with my looks.  Why, then would he even want to be with me when he could have something more fun?  That's my question.  It's never that I don't trust him.  I do.  And I know Ty loves me.  It's just, why does he?  And why does he stay when he could have so much more than boring old me?


(Disclaimer:  I do not always feel this.  And I'll get over it.  I just needed to write it)


And on to the good.
-I have always set goals for myself.  I may have written another post about it, actually.  I make goals for myself, and I achieve them when I want it.  I set goals in middle school that I didn't even remember, but I achieved them anyway.  The only goal I've never been able to achieve is running.  I've never built up my stamina the way I really want.  Never.  However, I am changing that.  I've found a program that will start me gradually.  I went to the gym in between classes today, that's how dedicated I am to this.  I really want to finally reach my goal.   I want to be in shape.  I want to be leaner. 
     I also realized that when I was thinner, I thought I was big.  But I wasn't.  I am now actually as big as I thought I was, and I want to be how big I actually was.  Now,  a size 10 isn't big, I know.  But I want to be a size 7 again.  I want to have muscle again.  That's my goal and I will accomplish it this time.


So, what have I learned?  Tyler loves me for me.  Not my looks.  He loves me because I set goals, because I am determine.  I'm quiet, like him, but together we have so much fun and laugh out loud.  I love me because I am a goal achiever.  I am beautiful.  I make a statement with my words, and my style because it isn't like the rest of the world.  I have fun, just not everyone's idea of fun.  I like to dance.  I love to read more though.  I sing to myself in the car and one day I will sing like that in front of people.  That's why I love myself.  I am a constant work in progress.


"My life, is a constant work in progress and I wouldn't have it any other way."
-Set Your Goals

Mental Case

I broke down this weekend.  I woke up on Saturday and was so homesick I couldn't even think straight.  So I ran home.  Or at least I felt like I did.  I packed my bags in five seconds and left without telling anyone but my roommate..  I've never been more determine to get anywhere before.  I just wanted to leave.  I cried pretty much the whole way there.  And then when I left I pretty much cried the whole way back.  I don't know.  Is this worth it?  What's the point of struggling?  Am I making a hasty generalization? (Learned that in "math")  I just need to breath.........


"The more I see the less I know,
But I know,
One thing,
That I Love You."

I miss you...

I am feeling a little homesick.. I miss my puppy and my boy.  And  I miss talking to my mom.  


But don't let this fool you.  I am loving life down here.  When I keep moving and keep active, I am fine.  I don't even think about it (Ty was right).  But laying in bed, studying, I really miss them.  I am making some really great friends down here.  My RA and my whole floor is awesome.  I'm starting to workout.  Classes haven't freaked me out too much yet.  And I'm having a blast.  But I really just want to go home.  


I think that what freaked me out was when some girls were talking about next year.  I can't even imagine next year already.  Four years of separation is looonnggg..  But I don't have to think about this yet.  


I also think that Tyler's stress has affected me a little.  He was feeling overwhelmed with classes, and I just wish I was there to take care of it and make sure he is ok.  But I couldn't.  But it also made me realize how much he relies on me, not how much I rely on him.  Which is nice to know.. But I love how he supports me and my decisions.  I miss him so much.


But...technology is amazing!  I can talk to him and see his face and see my friends.  It's very awesome.   For example:

I am so in love.  And that's what I leave you with.

"Don't count the miles,

Count the "I Love You's'"

-Christina Perri

Happy BIrthday to me!

Yesterday was my birthday!  I am 19  years old.  However, I still feel 16.  I don't feel old enough to go to clubs, have no curfew, and to be away from home at Marshall University.  It just seems so weird.  


It was a really great birthday, though.  (Even though I thought it was going to be horrible.)   I woke up feeling very homesick.  Everyone had sent me texts in the night and Facebook had exploded, and I felt so weird knowing I wasn't going to see any of them.  What kind of birthday is it if you don't get a birthday kiss from your boyfriend and parents?  My mom had sent me a picture of my puppy, which didn't help.  I miss her terribly.  I got in the shower, dreading the rest of the day.


And then, I opened my door.  All the girls on my floor had decorated it!  I was so happy I couldn't even explain.  


I ran some errands with a friend from home, and felt better being out and doing something with a familiar face.  Then, when I came back to my dorm, my amazing roommate Alyssa had decorated my whole room with streamers.  She made a sash for me and got me a crown and had cupcakes and wrote me a birthday song.  It was the most amazing thing ever.  I've had a surprise like that on my birthday.  


Later on, I went out with some girls from my floor and my friends from home to Fat Patty's, which is amazing.  


Then, I did something I've never done, I went out at 11.  Woah.  Don't I have to ask my parents?  The girls took me to a gay bar to dance.   That was my first club experience.  I love to dance, but I don't think I'm going to be going dancing every weekend.  It's just too much for me.  I loved it at the time, but right now I'm just feeling weird about it.  It's not that I did anything I'm not proud of.  I danced with my friends.  I drank a red bull.  Saw a drag show, which I really loved because the Queens are so confident and I would love an ounce of that. But I don't think I'm that girl....the girl that goes out dancing.  I'm too chill.  Once in a while will be fine, and a stress reliever.  

WE ARE.....MARSHALL!!

Well the time has come.  Here I sit in my dorm room, yeah, I said dorm room.  I just wish my stomach would stop turning.  I feel fine for a while, then boom, I feel like I'm going to start to cry.  I wouldn't say I'm homesick just yet.  I'm just really really really nervous about....well...everything.  


BUT...I have my list of things I am excited for.  And I am excited for them.  I just want it to get started.  This whole WOW (Week of Welcome) is real boring and real slow.  I feel like it should be Saturday, but, it's only Thursday.  Ughhhhhh

The days turn to minutes and minutes to memories, Life sweeps away dreams that we had planned.  You are young and you are the future, so suck it up and tough it out, and be the best you can.

-John Mellencamp Minutes to Memories 1985

 

 

 

Let's talk about...

How stupid fast this summer went.  But, also, how rocking it was.  But that's not really what I want to talk about.  I feel like lately all I've been doing is focusing on the negative.  I've been super nervous about leaving next Wednesday...and I've been pretty much an emotional wreck.  I'm really just nervous about being alone, or at least, feeling alone.  And just being away from Ty.  It's not going to be fun.  However, there is so much that is going to fun. Sooo, I thought I should make a list of things I am really excited for.  Maybe it will calm my nerves.

1. Football games! Go Herd!!
2. Being super duper close to Naomi and Wayne.  That's a biiigggg comfort.
3. Being able to do my own thing on my own time.
4. Taking naps when I need them.
5. Getting to know my roommate.
6. Finding new friends.
7. Going to West Liberty and WVU to visit my best friends.
8. Strangely enough, the car trip home.  I love driving.  It de-stresses me.
9. Having a Starbucks on campus. :)
10. Having a bookstore on campus :)
11. Being able to workout and do Zumba, not even ten feet from my living space
12. The Marshall Artisan Series.  Cee Lo Green.  Young Frankinstein. Comedy Central on Campus!! Wooot
13. Going to basketball games!
14. Going to classes for my major.
15. I'm excited to discuss the books I needed to  read for First year Seminar. Im a geek

I could go on.  But, I need to shower because I am going out with Ty and Mason.  :)

Dear friend...

Woah.  I just graduated high school.  I know I said I would post my speech, and I still plan on doing that, I just have some other stuff to get off my chest.

First off, I can't believe I just officially became a high school graduate.  I honestly can't believe it.  And it's not a "where's the time gone" kind of feeling.  I know where the time went.  It took a long time.  It's more of a "i can't believe I never have to go back into that school" type of feeling.  It's just a massive change in my everyday reutine.  It's weird for me to think that at the end of the summer I won't be going back there.  It's bittersweet. 

The second thing I really want to address is this:  I have not healed from losing my best friend.  Today, she gave me a hug and said "I'm going to miss you so much".  All I wanted to say was that I've been missing you for the past two years.  No boy has ever broken my heart the way she did.  And even though I truly believe that God took her out of my life for a reason, it is still painful.  And it's a mixture of sadness and anger whenever I see her.  I'm sad because it's not the same and mad that she let it happen and seems ok with it.  One of the biggest lessons I learned in high school was that people really do change and you really do lose friends because of it.  And it's not bad, it's just sad because they aren't in your life anymore.  But there is always someone ready to fill the spot they left in your life.  

Right now, I don't know how I feel.  Sick and nervous about the future, but excited that it's happening.  

Just so you know...

Dear world,

  Life been super busy (Prom was Saturday for example!) and haven't had time to write.  Plus I've been writing lots of others things.  However, I just wanted to inform you that once I write my graduation speech I will post it here.  Also, prom made me fall even more in love with Tyler, again.  He's wonderful.  And senioritus is massive.  

My Own Little Easter Sermon

The song above is a song we are singing in Madrigal Choir.  We don't sing it quite this slow, but it's a pretty good reference.  This is probably our favorite song, just because it's so dark.  However, today when we performed it for AARP, I found a new meaning to it.  "Will not day come soon?  Christ is coming soon."  He is coming soon. This really hit me today when we sang it on the day he was betrayed.  The day I feel so much darkness.  Soon he will be rising from the dead.  This is what we talk about and hear about at Easter.  However, this isn't what is giving me hope this Easter. 


    It took a couple of steps for me to reach the hope and connection I feel today.  First, I saw Jesus Christ Superstar last March.  That is when the story of Jesus took whole new life for me. The songs made me feel a new sense of connection to Jesus, Judas, and the rest of the disciples.  It felt real and human, not just a story I am read.  


    The second step was Naomi's prayer class last retreat.  She told the story of Jesus dropping to his knees and saying "God, I do not want to do this.  Take this cup from me.  But not my will, but yours."  For the first time, Jesus and I had something in common.  I too once dropped to my knees and said, "God, I am scared and I do not want to follow this path that you have placed me on.  It is hard, and scary, and lonely."


     Today, at my church's Maundy Thursday service, a thought wacked me in the head.  Jesus did not have to do what he did for us.   He could have called ten thousand angels, as the song says.  He had the power.  Yet he knew what God's will was.  He knew what was right and what he must do.


    So, the hope I found to day was faith.  Faith that God knows what is best for me, no matter how hard.  And my path will never be lonely, just as Jesus's long walk was not.  God will always be with me.  Jesus will be with me as I follow my path.  God will make sure everything turns out alright in the end.  Jesus and I have that in common, and I know he will never lead me astray.  I must take that leap of faith, with Jesus holding my hand and God right behind me.

"And when we both have had enough

I will take him from my shoe, singing:

"Meet your new road!" 

Then I'll take your hand

Finally glad 

That you are here

By my side"

Not Just Another Face in The Crowd

Dear Papa,
  It's been more than three years since you went to heaven, and I'll admit, it's been rough.  When God decided he wanted you, I felt like we were just getting close.  I wasn't expecting you to go so soon.  I expected you to be at my prom, my wedding, everything.  However, it means the world to me that you came to my show tonight.  I always see your face in  the crowd.  It may have made me forget what I was singing, but it doesn't matter.  I miss you everyday, but I know that you are with me.  It gives me hope that you're always in the crowd.  I love you.


-Taylor

Love is a Many Splendid Thing

     I just feel like I need to get these emotions written down so I can remember them forever, because I always want to feel like this.  Spoiler alert: This is going to be incredibly cheesy.


     I've always been in love with Tyler.  But, it's been a while since I've had butterflies.  I'm just so comfortable around him.  However, Friday night was Sadie Hawkins at my school.  For those of you who do not know, because I have learned I am wrong to assume everyone knows what this is, Sadie Hawkins is a dance where the girls ask the guys.  I think each school has different traditions with it.  Some go with the county theme, girls wear their daisy dukes and flannel.  At my school though, we just dress the same.


     But anyway, last Friday was the dance. We went to eat with  our best friends, had a blast.  Good stuff.  At the dance, I have gotten used to dancing alone because Tyler doesn't dance.  I've learned and adapted.  I dance by myself with my friends and have a good time.  However, Tyler's best friend Codey really wanted Ty to dance with me.  He said that since it was our last Sadie's he should dance with me.  Ty wouldn't.  So, Codey danced with me.  And Tyler, being the amazing guy that he is, said he didn't care if I danced with other people.  So, I did.  I danced with another guy, and danced with Codey again.  Then, it happened.


      I was dancing with Codey and Tyler just came up and started dancing with me.  Now, I know that this doesn't seem like a big deal.  But it really is.  I fought a long battle with him about dancing with me that I gave up.  He was so adamant about not liking to dance to that music and blah blah blah.  Words cannot express how happy I was.


     Then, when we were slow dancing during the last song, he sang in my ear.  I literally swooned.  

     To make a long story short, guys, I fell a little more in love with Tyler that night.  I feel giddy about him again.  I dream about him.  I just want to be in his arms.  


     He's in New York City right now, and he keeps sending me pictures.  And I can't get him off my mind.  And since this is sort of like my journal, I feel I need to say what is sitting in the back of my mind:  what am I going to do next when I don't get to see him?




Oh, the song he sang to me?  Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls.


"And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life.
'Cause sooner or later it's over.
I just don't want to miss you tonight."

Nerves

Ahhhh!!  My mom reminded me that Annie Get Your Gun is in three weeks and I felt like I was going to throw up!  All of a sudden I got reeeaaalll nervous!  Oh gee!  I hope I am ready.  I've already prayed about it, but would love some more.  

The worst part is senior-itus is starting to kick in.  Not good timing.  This is the busiest time.  Every scholarship in the world is due.   And I feel like I'm going to do all this work for nothing in return.  I'm almost just ready to push fast forward and have March and April fly by.  I want it to slow down for May though.  And I bet that's how it will happen.  I just want to go to prom and dance away all my worries.  

Humanity

So, I was just browsing YouTube, and was catching up on some of my subscriptions.  I watch this show called the Phillip DeFranko Show.  He does the news and makes it funny usually.  It's kind of like the Soup, only real news stories.  Today, however, he was really serious.  He was talking about Japan and the horrible natural disasters there.  He was most touched because his mother called him concerned because she thought he was still in Italy.  He isn't.  But that made him realize that people all over the world were making that same phone call, but not getting a response.  


     But, that's not what really got to me.  What got to me were the comments.  There were so many good ones.  People saying pray for Japan and telling Phil how touching that video was.  It was refreshing to see that side of him.  However, other comments blew my mind.  Like this one: "The Japs killed Americans so I don't really care what happens to them.  I just care about the U.S. west coast."


Hmm. I'm pretty sure we set two nuclear bombs on them.  And killed thousands or more innocent people.  And nuclear bombs don't just kill on impact.  The aftermath affects the lives of those for a long time.  It kills me to think about all the babies born with birth defects because of it.  And yet, they killed us.  So we don't care that thousands of innocent people were swept up by a giant wave as the slept or drove to work.  We don't care that they were crushed by a fallen building during the quake and it's after shocks.  


     when will we decide to see past race, gender, and nationality?  When will we realize we are all people?  


     Pray for Japan.  Pray that Hawaii stays safe.  Pray that we all some humanity.

The Laramie Project

     The other day, I went to see The Laramie Project at West Liberty University.  It was the most moving show I have ever seen.

     The Laramie Project is about the town of Laramie, Wyoming, where a gay man was tied to a fence, beat, and left to die.  It was a hate crime.  A theater troupe went to the town six different times to conduct interviews of the people in the town.  The show is those interviews.  

     The picture shown above is my favorite scene in the show.  Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, was outside the boy's funeral, "protesting".  Romaine Patterson, a close friend of the boy, was very disturbed by this.  So, to combat their hate, she founded Angel Action.  They dressed up as angels with wings 10 feet high and stood around the protesters, hiding them from the rest of the crowd and hiding their hateful signs.  

    The thing that moved me the most about that was the Westboro Church was supposed to be picketing the show.  The picket every showing of the Laramie Project.  They also picket soldier's funerals.  They picketed the Memorial Day parade in Washington D.C. last year when I was there.  They are allowed to believe what they believe.  I will not tell them they are wrong in what they believe.  But the hateful way they go about their religion is not ok.  It is not ok to picket a son's funeral.  The boy died.  Whether you believe in his lifestyle or not. How can you protest a soldier's funeral?  He died.  What is there to protest?  You can protest war.  But by causing a family so much hurt, what kind of Christian does that make you?  Jesus did not want us to hate.  Jesus did not hate.  God does not hate.  How can you justify your hate?

     Another part of the show that moved me was the interview with the young college girl who found the boy  tied to the fence.  She went for a bike ride.  She didn't really know where she was going, and even though she was riding through thick sand, she kept going.  Eventually, she hit a rock and went over the handle bars.  That's when she found him.  The thing she couldn't figure out was why God had led her to him.  Why did he want her to find him?  When the troupe interviewed her later, after the murderers trials, she had realized that it was so he didn't die alone.  She needed to find him so he could die with his family by his side.  

     If you ever get a chance to see The Laramie Project, I highly recommend it.  It's actually a movie also, so I suggest renting it.  It's a very wonderful show, with a wonderful message.

"But I liked him, see, because he was straightforward.  Maybe gay, but straightforward."

Busy Busy Busy

      I have been one busy beaver.  We have practice everyday, even on Saturdays!  I don't really stop.  But I love it.  I've come to realize I hate not having something to do after school.  I just feel lazy.  Play practice just makes me so happy.  I get to spend time with my friends and it's just so much fun.  
  
    I'm trying to figure out my character.  The real Annie Oakley was one amazing woman.  She was full of spunk and drive.  My favorite thing that I read about her was that when she was in Germany, she shot the ashes off the Kaiser's cigarette.  The joke around the country was that if she had missed, she would have prevented World War 1.  When the war started, she wrote to the Kaiser and asked him if she could have a second shot.  bahaha.  What spunk?!  I love it.  And the true life love story of her and Frank Butler is wonderful.  He actually died of a broken heart when she died.  Well, he actually quit eating, but still....


    However, my Annie Oakley isn't really that...I mean, she gives up so Frank's ego won't be hurt and he'll marry her.  I would never ever do that.  If a guy can't accept the fact that I'm a better shot than him, then he's not the guy for me.  So, it's hard for me to do that section of the play.  But I'm really going to try to put the real Annie Oakley in there, because she was amazing and I believe I would count her as one of my heroes now.


    On another note, I got my housing information for Marshall, and I have to pick a Freshmen interest group, which will be a small group of kids like me and I'll have some of my classes with them.  But, the thing is, I have to choose between Chorus or Media Literacy. It's so hard.  I'm leaning more towards Chorus, even though I'm going into Journalism.  I don't ever want to stop singing.  The kids last year from Madrigal who didn't stay with music say they regret it.  I would miss it so much.  I don't think I could go without it.


     It was a beautiful day though.  I cannot wait until spring is here for good.  I know this is just a teaser.


    Oh!  The show is April 7, 8, and 9th, for anyone interested! :)

A Starring Role...with Hurt Feelings On the Side.

     Good news!  I got the lead!!  I am Annie! I am so excited!  It is really a great chance to act and become someone new and I cannot wait!  I am already in love with some of my songs, and I just got the script today! :)


    Excited as I am though, today wasn't so great.  People were really upset that they didn't get big parts, and they took it out on me.  My two best friends didn't even look at me today, let alone tell me congratulations.  That hurt me a lot.  If I was in their positions, I'd be disappointed, but I'd be able to tell them congrats and say I was happy for them.  But instead I was shunned.  I walked into the room today, and they completely ignored me.  I almost started to cry, ran out of the room and went straight into Ty's arms.  I didn't make the cast.  It's not my fault I was put in the lead.  And not to be conceited, but I have the most acting experience than any of them.  I've been doing this since the fifth grade and I've paid my dues.  I feel like I deserve this role and I deserve to be happy and excited about it.


     I hate when my friends let me down.  It happens too much in high school...


"I got lost in his arms...
I got lost, but look what I found."

Real Quick News

   I almost forgot to say I have a call back tomorrow for Annie Get Your Gun!  Wish me luck!

Oh, and Steelers lost the Superbowl.  Bummer.  But, I like the Packers, so I can respect that.

High five for shortest blog! :)

Ice skating...on my driveway.

     While I do feel I got left out of the big storm of 2010, we definitely have some ice.  Snow, slush, rain, and then freezing temperatures have turned my driveway into a complete sheet of ice.  No fun, let me tell you.


     But, the ice did  not stop me from auditioning for Annie Get Your Gun today.  I think I did pretty good.  I really liked my monologue, and I definitely have the most experience.  So, keep your fingers crossed. 


     I love my new semester classes.  Speech is going to be awesome!  And being an office aid is great.  I like work like that.  If my journalism career doesn't work, I can for sure be a secretary.  


     My brain is a little scattered right now, but I do want you all to go on Itunes and check out Chaos Killed.  It's my boyfriend's brother's band.  They are the local hit, and they are just now on Itunes.  It would be great to show some support and buy some of their music.  I love it.  Plus, the songs are just .99!  Baltimore is my favorite.


"Leave me in this place,
While I find some peace."


It reminds me of camp.