New Beginnings

     Today was the last day of semester one.  It. Dragged.  On.  Forever.  I am so glad to be done with college human anatomy I can't even explain.  Next semester is going to be wonderful.  I am taking College English online, then in school I have honors Pre-Calc, office aid, madrigal, and speech!  I cannot wait!! Easy easy easy!  Yay! (Yes, senior-itus has indeed set in)

     I have musical auditions next week and then that will get started.  I'm not excited yet, but I'm sure I will be once it gets started.  I'm really hoping for a lead. We are doing "Annie Get Your Gun".  "There's NO business, like SHOW business, like NO business I knoooww!!" :) I have to prepare a monologue though for the audition, and I've never had to do that before.  I'm not really sure what I should do yet.  But I need to figure it out so I can practice! If you have any suggestions, I will gladly take them!

     Well,  I should probably get some sleep.  New semester tomorrow, and I have to get up early because I have Academic team. Boo. We were supposed to get snow, but unless it just manifests out of no where on top of us, I don't think it's going to happen.

You're in Steeler Country now!

     I haven't gotten to write in a while because I've been so busy studying and then we had snow days, and nothing happens on snow days.  Exams have been pushed back so far!  Plus, I was planning a surprise birthday party for Tyler, whose birthday was last Friday.  He was so surprised!  It was worth every stressful second because he felt so loved!

     Of course, pertaining to my title, the Steelers have just beaten the Jets and are on their way to the Superbowl for I believe the 8th time.  Stairway to 7 rings is what some people are saying on Facebook.  It's exciting.  Superbowls  are so much more fun when you actually care about the game.

     But speaking of Facebook, I've decided to go spring cleaning a little early and delete all the negative people.  There has been a lot of fighting over stupid things recently and I really don't want all the bad energy coming through my computer.  It's not worth it.  For example, my good friend got her feelings hurt because she likes the show Jersey Shore.   Stupid stuff like that.

     Here's the story.  Jersey Shore is a very popular show.  I have never seen it, nor do I want to, but lots of people love it.  And every Thursday when there is a new episode, Facebook explodes with posts about Jersey Shore.  I don't care.   But some people hate it and hate on the people who like the show.  And they take their anti-Shore posts way too far.  It happened tonight with the Steelers.  People around here are Steeler fans and are excited they are going to the Superbowl.  But heaven forbid we talk about it because it makes other people mad.  It's so silly.  I am allowed to post whatever I want on Facebook, and if its about the Steelers, what harm am I doing? None.  But people hate.  And I am tired of it.

     So, spring cleaning time.  No more negative mean people.

Go Steelers :)

Revelation, Epiphany, Eureka!

     Yes,  I know I am posting twice in a matter of, what, not even an hour.  But I had a revelation, or whatever you want to call it.

     I have constantly wondered why God put me through some of the things he put me through at the beginning of junior year.  I hated soccer.  I dreaded the end of the day because I didn't want to go to practice.  And, while I was looking back, I couldn't for the life of me discover why God made me go through that.  I cried once a week.  I could not find a reason for it. But it just hit me.  That's how I met Kylie.  I was put there for a reason.  I'm in her life for a reason.  I might not know what just yet, but that is why and I know it.

     Also, after last retreat we were sent a song of the week.  Each and every single one of those songs has helped me through this weekend.  Each song pertains to what I or someone else is going through.  I wondered how those songs would help me.  But, here they are, giving me hope and strength.

     I was waiting for my sign.  For God to say, here I am.  Well, he's spread out through these songs.

Healing Words

     I had youth group tonight, and I needed it so much.  I think we all did.  Lee Lee answered all of my questions and set my mind at ease.  I think God read my last post and my mind, and then whispered all the answers in her ear for me to hear.

     As for an update, Kylie is now stable.  She cried real tears and had surgery on her esophagus.  Thank God.

    I also am asking for prayers for my teachers, Mr. Taylor (my choir director) and Mrs. Steffey (the band director).  They saved her life, yet will be forever scarred and haunted.  This will forever change them.  I hope they know what wonderful people and teachers they are.  They would drop anything and everything to do something for their students.  Mr. Taylor is there for each and every one of us.  When I need reassurance or any kind of help, I know I can turn to him.

     I am now going to go write some letters to each of them.  I need to tell them how I feel, but I know I wouldn't be able to say it in person.  I need to get this out.

"All I want is place to call my own,
To mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone."
-A Day to Remember

I See You

     I came home today with full intentions of writing about rumors and how they spread like wildfire through a high school.  But then I got some news about that rumor...

     Today, we had a two hour delay, so everything was out of whack.  After second block, we went to fourth.  Between that time their was something going on in the music department of the school.  People asked me what was going on, but I didn't know because I didn't have class down there second block.  Well, my two friends who do have class down there came into fourth block and said someone got hurt down there and they shut the whole wing down.  I know the girl; she played soccer with me last year.  I was of course worried and feared the worst.  And of course because of instant access to Facebook from our cellphones, rumors were already being spread.  I was furious.  No one who was even in the department knew what was going on, yet people were spreading all this stuff.  All I knew was they were lifeflighting her.

  But now I know what really happened.  She tried to kill herself.  I don't even want to write it.  And it hurts me so much because I never saw it coming.  She didn't succeed, thank God.  But what was going on in her head that no one knew about?  When I would look at her, I would see a beautiful girl who was for sure going to be in Madrigal next year because she has a beautiful voice.  I saw a love of music in her and a love of the music department that I love so much.  She has a spunk that I am jealous of.  She always makes it a point to say hi to me, and I always make sure I say hi back with a smile.  But maybe I should have done more.  Took more time to get to know her.  Of course, she is two years younger than me.  We have no classes together, and we both no longer play soccer.  But still... I just feel like something could have been done.  Maybe I could have done something to change her life.

    When your still trying to find yourself, it's so hard to see anyone else.  Your stuck in your world.  I guess, maybe we all need to be a bit more open to everyone else.


"We can't be oblivious
We are not ignorant

Blood in our hearts
Blood on our hands

We're human
We reason
We're breathing
Protecting
You're living and dying,surviving,we're trying
To breathe in safety
Come home safely"
-Flyleaf

Lean On Me

This is a blog about a good friend who is in need of prayer, but won't ask for it himself. Details aren't really necessary, but I will say that he is going through something that is hard on it's own, but his situation makes it a little more complicated. My prayer for him is that he finds someone that he can count on and open up to. Right now, he doesn't tell anyone anything. It's kind of like he's not going through anything at all, even though we all know better. So, my prayer for him is that he has or finds someone to talk to. I really hope he does. I wish I could be that person for him, but I don't think it's supposed to be me.

On a lesser note, it's snowing bunches right now! We got out of school early and now I'm just relaxing on my couch with my puppy. Actually, she's kind of whiney right now, so I should probably take her outside!

Ah, 2 hour delays.

Two hour delay tomorrow! Good stuff. I wish all days could be two hour delays. It is the perfect amount of sleep.

I don't really have much to write about today. I almost got slid off the road today by a big trucker who decided it was o.k. to fly past my little car going up hill in the snow. My last Christmas concert was tonight too. Boo. :( I want to keep singing those songs. That's one thing about choir; I hate learning new music. It's so tedious.

Well, because of lack of things to say, I am going to share with you some great lyrics from Dave Matthews. I forgot about this song until it came on my Ipod on my way home from school. The song is from their newest album. It's called Time Bomb.

I'm a ticking time bomb

Waiting to blow my top

No one would ever know

Not until I blew up

No one would believe it

He was such a normal guy

Shake their heads and wonder why

Martians fell from the sky

What would that do to God?

Would we put the weapons down

Or aim it up at the sky

No one would believe it

Except the f------ nut jobs

They laugh and cry we told you so

Baby when I get home

I want to believe in Jesus

Hammer in the final nail

Help me pick up the pieces

When everything starts to fall

So fast that it terrifies you

When will you hit the wall?

Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it

Except for all the people

Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

And lean me up against Jesus

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

I want to believe in Jesus

I bolded and colored my favorite part. It just puts such a wonderful picture in my head.

I also fell in love with Flyleaf's new EP. This song is called Light Your Eyes. The melody is absolutely beautiful. Definitely go take a listen. Very little people actually realize Flyleaf is a Christian rock band because of how heavy their music usually is. This new album, however, is incredibly soft and beautiful.

Pour the wine

Light revives

Lowering walls that divide

Kings and Queens yearn to seek

Love in all its mystery

When all we wanted was love,

We got cut up and burned

But there's a light in your eyes

And it tells me

That God is on our side

The waning moon

Your sweet perfume

Incense for the Holy Ones

Secret hymns pour from your lips

Healing for this broken soul

We'd drive late

And let the music tell our fate

For me this is heaven

Drown our fears

And we may age

If we do not die today

Until then we'll let

This music be our prayers

When all we wanted was love,

We got cut up and burned

But there's a light in your eyes

And it tells me

That God is on our side

And all we need now is love

We've been through enough

We can't run just 'cause we're scared

We've come this far

We're not giving up

All we need now is love

We've been through enough

We can't run just 'cause we're scared

We've come this far

We're not giving up

Sweet Serendipity

I just want to say thanks for all the comments. After last nights blog, I cried a little and told God that this was my heart and that I needed his strength and comfort. I slept well last night. There were no worries, no fears. He gives me what I need, which was a beautiful blue sky, laughter, and singing a beautiful song.

Speaking of singing, I have a concert tomorrow and I cannot wait to get into my Madrigal dress again. But I am sad because it is the last time I will sing those songs, and I love each and every one of them.

I'm also thinking I should explain what Madrigal choir is for those who don't know. Madrigal was a secular piece of Renaissance music. We dress up in Renaissance style dress, sing accapella, and sing Madrigal pieces and many other types. It's the honors choir at our school. We also put on a Medieval feast every December. It's really fun. I am the queen of the choir this year, and the President of the choir. I give the pitches on the pitch pipe, and the King starts and stops every song by giving a little bounce.

Anyway, I fell back in love with singing today and I can't wait to do it again.

"And I'm doing just fine,

I'm always landing on my feet

In the nick of time and by the skin of my teeth.

I ain't gonna stress,

The worst ain't happened yet,

Something's watching over me

Like Sweet Serendipidy"

-Lee DeWyze

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I wish I could summarize in one word how I am feeling at the moment. Anxious, I guess? But that doesn't really seem right. But I will say that I feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment.

I'm scared out of my mind for one. Scared of the future. Scared of my next step. Scared of college. Absolutely terrified. When I think about it my eyes water, and my chest feels tight. I don't know anything anymore. I thought I was sure of my path, but now I don't really know. Is leaving those I love most and moving four hours away really the best and right choice? All the books, movies, and tv shows seem to think not. They always end up choosing the ones they love over the other option. Jacki in That 70's Show for instance. And I know it seems silly, but that episode really messed up my thinking. Maybe I'm just looking for signs in all the wrong places...

Here's my thought process when I lay awake at night:

1. How is this the right choice? How is Marshall possibly right? I'm moving four hours away (too far away as people keep saying) and practically by myself. Yeah, good choice.

2. But what would my other options be anyway? I don't like any of the schools near me. And do I really want to be 15 min. from my house? Is that a college experience?

3. But it would be so much easier to be close to home. And I could see everyone.

4. Ok. Maybe I should go look at some schools around here. I only looked at West Liberty, which I didn't like. It always rains when I'm there. I don't take it as a good sign. Maybe I should look elsewhere before I really decide (my first normal and good productive thought).

5. But Marshall has everything that I want. I felt so right there. It felt so perfect. And I felt like that was really my path. Maybe I need to pray on it more.

Ok, and I'm not going to hide it anymore. It really all comes back to Tyler. How far away can I be from him? Are we strong enough to do this? If I leave, will it change everything? I don't want anything to change...

And that's whats even deeper. I don't want anything to change. I am absolutely terrified of big change. And I can't sleep at night because I know the biggest change in my life is just around the bend and I can't stop it.

"And I can live without you but,

Without you I'll be miserable at best.."

-Mayday Parade

I've Been A Good Little Worker Bee

School. That pretty much sums up my day. I got a headache, like clockwork, right after lunch. It starts above my left eye, works its way over the right, then ends up at the base of my neck by the time I get home. This only happens at school. Only there. Possible reasons? Stress, the lighting, just the weather in general, sinuses, ect. I don't know. Oh, there was a new attendance policy put in place for next semester. I can't miss more than 3 unexcused days of school. If we do, no prom, Sadie Hawkins, talent show, assemblies, ect. That got people in an uproar for sure.

I did learn something today though. Family, no matter how annoying, won't ever annoy you enough to drive you away. And this is any family. My Madrigal family taught me that today. Don't get me wrong, they can be amazing and really funny. But sometimes, when you have a headache, things just aren't as funny. But I still look forward to that class and those people, no matter what. Because I love them.

One last thing, that really has nothing to do with the rest of the blog. It's a quote from Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance, from Rolling Stone. He's talking about his relationship with his wife, Lyndsey:

"It's like, when you're in your 20s, you're just getting used to the dating thing and you're hiding your comic books, but then you meet that person one day that you can show your comic books to. I think that's what we do for each other: We make it so we can take the guard down."

I like that because I think that's what you really want in a relationship. Someone you can let your guard down with.

Well, back to work for me. I hope I can get into the groove of school again. I really need to keep my grade up in College Human Anatomy so I can get an A.

"I've been a good little worker bee,

I deserve a gold star..."

-Motion City Soundtrack

Memories.

Well, 2010 is over. I'd say finally, but I kind of wish it would have lasted a little longer. Thank God that December lasted long. And you know, December was a pretty good month, all things considered. All in all, I guess 2010 was pretty good year. Looking back...yeah, it was. Here's a highlight of all my favorite memories, month by month.

January.

• On the very first day of the year, my best friend Linsey and I had an Ikea adventure, or misadventure. It took us forever to get there, then we got lost once in the store. We were too weak to drive the cart straight and Linsey used her debit card as a credit card so it wouldn't go through. Needless to say, we never stopped laughing.
• Traveled to Pittsburgh with Tyler, Mason, and Chelsey to see Motion City Soundtrack, Set Your Goals, This Providence, and The Swellers. It was a school night and my ears were ringing the next day. But thats the price you pay for being up front!

February

• Tyler made me a rose out of construction paper for Valentine's Day. Best valentine ever.

March and April

• Madrigal choir had many fundraisers these two months because we were going to Washington D.C. for Memorial Day. We had a Battle of the Bands to raise money and I got to take all the pictures. We also had a rummage sale, during which all the girls played dress up. That was a great time.
• Took the ACT, then went to see How To Train Your Dragon with Becca and Joey. That was super fun.

May

• The best trip ever! Washington D.C. with the Madrigal Choir! This was the funnest trip ever! I wish I could go back and relive it all. We sang at the Kennedy Center with one of the Irish Tenors. Staying up late with my beautiful roommates, hanging out with Tyler and Joey, and seeing D.C. Ah, I loved every second!

June

• This was the first summer camp that I was excited to go home. Not because I was homesick or hated it, but because I wanted to put to use all that I had learned about myself. I discovered so much about myself that week in June.

July

• Warped Tour will always make my list of memories. Just awesome.

August

• Rolling down my hill on my 18th birthday. Period.

I'm just going to put football season. That is a big part of my senior year. From Big Red, to killing Weirton, to South Charleston and the injunction. I followed those boys from the time they started playing and I supported them to the end. There is something about football season that brings kids together that would never be together. I will always remember and be fully touched by the bus ride home from the devestating South Charleston football game. Us seniors were so together, singing old songs and laughing and dancing. Highlight of my senior year.

I'm also just going to put Madrigal Season because it spans over several months. The feast this year was the best ever and I am so thankful that I got the chance to be queen. I am also so thankful that I got to become so close to everyone. The cast party was so amazing. We stayed up all night long and talk about everything. I've never opened up so much to that many people. I love my madrigal family.

Well, I realize that this post is mostly for me to remember my year. It's been a great one. This next year is one big leap of faith. I'm putting all my trust in God like never before. But, I know that it's going to be ok. It's going to be another great year. Hear's to the memories!

School starts tomorrow. Wish me luck..