Here's To Love

Let me begin to tell how excited I am for this weekend.  I am going to Young Adult retreat.  I wanted to post a picture that describes how I feel inside.  This picture sums it up.


It's love and laughter and my best friends.  I really don't know what else would sum this up.  <---- this is what I am so excited for. Even if Kenzie won't be there.  (I'm just not thinking about that)


Anyway, my stomach is just turning when I think about it.  It will be just what I need.  It's always what I need, even if I'm doing great! :) Here's to love <3

Two Things

Two things: One is good, one is not so good.  Which do you want first?


I'll start with the not so good, because it is how I am currently feeling.  
-On Tuesday, Teen Mom was on.  A show that I love.  It's a guilty pleasure. (For real, Bently is the cutest baby ever).  So, anyway, Caitlyn got super insecure over Tyler.  He wanted to go out, she doesn't like it because she gets jealous.  I'd be lying if I said that I don't relate.  Because I do.  Very much.  Now, she gets jealous because she is very insecure about herself and her looks.  And well, right now  so am I.  I don't feel it all the time.  Sometimes I love myself.  Everything about myself.  But then, I go on Facebook.  I see these cute girls that Tyler is friends with.  He's making new friends and that's great.  But they look so awesome. They are edgy and quirky.  I'm, not.  I'm quiet.  I listen, don't partake.  I observe.   I'm pretty conservative in my clothing.  I'm plain.  Don't make a statement with my looks.  Why, then would he even want to be with me when he could have something more fun?  That's my question.  It's never that I don't trust him.  I do.  And I know Ty loves me.  It's just, why does he?  And why does he stay when he could have so much more than boring old me?


(Disclaimer:  I do not always feel this.  And I'll get over it.  I just needed to write it)


And on to the good.
-I have always set goals for myself.  I may have written another post about it, actually.  I make goals for myself, and I achieve them when I want it.  I set goals in middle school that I didn't even remember, but I achieved them anyway.  The only goal I've never been able to achieve is running.  I've never built up my stamina the way I really want.  Never.  However, I am changing that.  I've found a program that will start me gradually.  I went to the gym in between classes today, that's how dedicated I am to this.  I really want to finally reach my goal.   I want to be in shape.  I want to be leaner. 
     I also realized that when I was thinner, I thought I was big.  But I wasn't.  I am now actually as big as I thought I was, and I want to be how big I actually was.  Now,  a size 10 isn't big, I know.  But I want to be a size 7 again.  I want to have muscle again.  That's my goal and I will accomplish it this time.


So, what have I learned?  Tyler loves me for me.  Not my looks.  He loves me because I set goals, because I am determine.  I'm quiet, like him, but together we have so much fun and laugh out loud.  I love me because I am a goal achiever.  I am beautiful.  I make a statement with my words, and my style because it isn't like the rest of the world.  I have fun, just not everyone's idea of fun.  I like to dance.  I love to read more though.  I sing to myself in the car and one day I will sing like that in front of people.  That's why I love myself.  I am a constant work in progress.


"My life, is a constant work in progress and I wouldn't have it any other way."
-Set Your Goals

Mental Case

I broke down this weekend.  I woke up on Saturday and was so homesick I couldn't even think straight.  So I ran home.  Or at least I felt like I did.  I packed my bags in five seconds and left without telling anyone but my roommate..  I've never been more determine to get anywhere before.  I just wanted to leave.  I cried pretty much the whole way there.  And then when I left I pretty much cried the whole way back.  I don't know.  Is this worth it?  What's the point of struggling?  Am I making a hasty generalization? (Learned that in "math")  I just need to breath.........


"The more I see the less I know,
But I know,
One thing,
That I Love You."

I miss you...

I am feeling a little homesick.. I miss my puppy and my boy.  And  I miss talking to my mom.  


But don't let this fool you.  I am loving life down here.  When I keep moving and keep active, I am fine.  I don't even think about it (Ty was right).  But laying in bed, studying, I really miss them.  I am making some really great friends down here.  My RA and my whole floor is awesome.  I'm starting to workout.  Classes haven't freaked me out too much yet.  And I'm having a blast.  But I really just want to go home.  


I think that what freaked me out was when some girls were talking about next year.  I can't even imagine next year already.  Four years of separation is looonnggg..  But I don't have to think about this yet.  


I also think that Tyler's stress has affected me a little.  He was feeling overwhelmed with classes, and I just wish I was there to take care of it and make sure he is ok.  But I couldn't.  But it also made me realize how much he relies on me, not how much I rely on him.  Which is nice to know.. But I love how he supports me and my decisions.  I miss him so much.


But...technology is amazing!  I can talk to him and see his face and see my friends.  It's very awesome.   For example:

I am so in love.  And that's what I leave you with.

"Don't count the miles,

Count the "I Love You's'"

-Christina Perri

Happy BIrthday to me!

Yesterday was my birthday!  I am 19  years old.  However, I still feel 16.  I don't feel old enough to go to clubs, have no curfew, and to be away from home at Marshall University.  It just seems so weird.  


It was a really great birthday, though.  (Even though I thought it was going to be horrible.)   I woke up feeling very homesick.  Everyone had sent me texts in the night and Facebook had exploded, and I felt so weird knowing I wasn't going to see any of them.  What kind of birthday is it if you don't get a birthday kiss from your boyfriend and parents?  My mom had sent me a picture of my puppy, which didn't help.  I miss her terribly.  I got in the shower, dreading the rest of the day.


And then, I opened my door.  All the girls on my floor had decorated it!  I was so happy I couldn't even explain.  


I ran some errands with a friend from home, and felt better being out and doing something with a familiar face.  Then, when I came back to my dorm, my amazing roommate Alyssa had decorated my whole room with streamers.  She made a sash for me and got me a crown and had cupcakes and wrote me a birthday song.  It was the most amazing thing ever.  I've had a surprise like that on my birthday.  


Later on, I went out with some girls from my floor and my friends from home to Fat Patty's, which is amazing.  


Then, I did something I've never done, I went out at 11.  Woah.  Don't I have to ask my parents?  The girls took me to a gay bar to dance.   That was my first club experience.  I love to dance, but I don't think I'm going to be going dancing every weekend.  It's just too much for me.  I loved it at the time, but right now I'm just feeling weird about it.  It's not that I did anything I'm not proud of.  I danced with my friends.  I drank a red bull.  Saw a drag show, which I really loved because the Queens are so confident and I would love an ounce of that. But I don't think I'm that girl....the girl that goes out dancing.  I'm too chill.  Once in a while will be fine, and a stress reliever.  

WE ARE.....MARSHALL!!

Well the time has come.  Here I sit in my dorm room, yeah, I said dorm room.  I just wish my stomach would stop turning.  I feel fine for a while, then boom, I feel like I'm going to start to cry.  I wouldn't say I'm homesick just yet.  I'm just really really really nervous about....well...everything.  


BUT...I have my list of things I am excited for.  And I am excited for them.  I just want it to get started.  This whole WOW (Week of Welcome) is real boring and real slow.  I feel like it should be Saturday, but, it's only Thursday.  Ughhhhhh

The days turn to minutes and minutes to memories, Life sweeps away dreams that we had planned.  You are young and you are the future, so suck it up and tough it out, and be the best you can.

-John Mellencamp Minutes to Memories 1985

 

 

 

Let's talk about...

How stupid fast this summer went.  But, also, how rocking it was.  But that's not really what I want to talk about.  I feel like lately all I've been doing is focusing on the negative.  I've been super nervous about leaving next Wednesday...and I've been pretty much an emotional wreck.  I'm really just nervous about being alone, or at least, feeling alone.  And just being away from Ty.  It's not going to be fun.  However, there is so much that is going to fun. Sooo, I thought I should make a list of things I am really excited for.  Maybe it will calm my nerves.

1. Football games! Go Herd!!
2. Being super duper close to Naomi and Wayne.  That's a biiigggg comfort.
3. Being able to do my own thing on my own time.
4. Taking naps when I need them.
5. Getting to know my roommate.
6. Finding new friends.
7. Going to West Liberty and WVU to visit my best friends.
8. Strangely enough, the car trip home.  I love driving.  It de-stresses me.
9. Having a Starbucks on campus. :)
10. Having a bookstore on campus :)
11. Being able to workout and do Zumba, not even ten feet from my living space
12. The Marshall Artisan Series.  Cee Lo Green.  Young Frankinstein. Comedy Central on Campus!! Wooot
13. Going to basketball games!
14. Going to classes for my major.
15. I'm excited to discuss the books I needed to  read for First year Seminar. Im a geek

I could go on.  But, I need to shower because I am going out with Ty and Mason.  :)

Dear friend...

Woah.  I just graduated high school.  I know I said I would post my speech, and I still plan on doing that, I just have some other stuff to get off my chest.

First off, I can't believe I just officially became a high school graduate.  I honestly can't believe it.  And it's not a "where's the time gone" kind of feeling.  I know where the time went.  It took a long time.  It's more of a "i can't believe I never have to go back into that school" type of feeling.  It's just a massive change in my everyday reutine.  It's weird for me to think that at the end of the summer I won't be going back there.  It's bittersweet. 

The second thing I really want to address is this:  I have not healed from losing my best friend.  Today, she gave me a hug and said "I'm going to miss you so much".  All I wanted to say was that I've been missing you for the past two years.  No boy has ever broken my heart the way she did.  And even though I truly believe that God took her out of my life for a reason, it is still painful.  And it's a mixture of sadness and anger whenever I see her.  I'm sad because it's not the same and mad that she let it happen and seems ok with it.  One of the biggest lessons I learned in high school was that people really do change and you really do lose friends because of it.  And it's not bad, it's just sad because they aren't in your life anymore.  But there is always someone ready to fill the spot they left in your life.  

Right now, I don't know how I feel.  Sick and nervous about the future, but excited that it's happening.  

Just so you know...

Dear world,

  Life been super busy (Prom was Saturday for example!) and haven't had time to write.  Plus I've been writing lots of others things.  However, I just wanted to inform you that once I write my graduation speech I will post it here.  Also, prom made me fall even more in love with Tyler, again.  He's wonderful.  And senioritus is massive.  

My Own Little Easter Sermon

The song above is a song we are singing in Madrigal Choir.  We don't sing it quite this slow, but it's a pretty good reference.  This is probably our favorite song, just because it's so dark.  However, today when we performed it for AARP, I found a new meaning to it.  "Will not day come soon?  Christ is coming soon."  He is coming soon. This really hit me today when we sang it on the day he was betrayed.  The day I feel so much darkness.  Soon he will be rising from the dead.  This is what we talk about and hear about at Easter.  However, this isn't what is giving me hope this Easter. 


    It took a couple of steps for me to reach the hope and connection I feel today.  First, I saw Jesus Christ Superstar last March.  That is when the story of Jesus took whole new life for me. The songs made me feel a new sense of connection to Jesus, Judas, and the rest of the disciples.  It felt real and human, not just a story I am read.  


    The second step was Naomi's prayer class last retreat.  She told the story of Jesus dropping to his knees and saying "God, I do not want to do this.  Take this cup from me.  But not my will, but yours."  For the first time, Jesus and I had something in common.  I too once dropped to my knees and said, "God, I am scared and I do not want to follow this path that you have placed me on.  It is hard, and scary, and lonely."


     Today, at my church's Maundy Thursday service, a thought wacked me in the head.  Jesus did not have to do what he did for us.   He could have called ten thousand angels, as the song says.  He had the power.  Yet he knew what God's will was.  He knew what was right and what he must do.


    So, the hope I found to day was faith.  Faith that God knows what is best for me, no matter how hard.  And my path will never be lonely, just as Jesus's long walk was not.  God will always be with me.  Jesus will be with me as I follow my path.  God will make sure everything turns out alright in the end.  Jesus and I have that in common, and I know he will never lead me astray.  I must take that leap of faith, with Jesus holding my hand and God right behind me.

"And when we both have had enough

I will take him from my shoe, singing:

"Meet your new road!" 

Then I'll take your hand

Finally glad 

That you are here

By my side"

Not Just Another Face in The Crowd

Dear Papa,
  It's been more than three years since you went to heaven, and I'll admit, it's been rough.  When God decided he wanted you, I felt like we were just getting close.  I wasn't expecting you to go so soon.  I expected you to be at my prom, my wedding, everything.  However, it means the world to me that you came to my show tonight.  I always see your face in  the crowd.  It may have made me forget what I was singing, but it doesn't matter.  I miss you everyday, but I know that you are with me.  It gives me hope that you're always in the crowd.  I love you.


-Taylor

Love is a Many Splendid Thing

     I just feel like I need to get these emotions written down so I can remember them forever, because I always want to feel like this.  Spoiler alert: This is going to be incredibly cheesy.


     I've always been in love with Tyler.  But, it's been a while since I've had butterflies.  I'm just so comfortable around him.  However, Friday night was Sadie Hawkins at my school.  For those of you who do not know, because I have learned I am wrong to assume everyone knows what this is, Sadie Hawkins is a dance where the girls ask the guys.  I think each school has different traditions with it.  Some go with the county theme, girls wear their daisy dukes and flannel.  At my school though, we just dress the same.


     But anyway, last Friday was the dance. We went to eat with  our best friends, had a blast.  Good stuff.  At the dance, I have gotten used to dancing alone because Tyler doesn't dance.  I've learned and adapted.  I dance by myself with my friends and have a good time.  However, Tyler's best friend Codey really wanted Ty to dance with me.  He said that since it was our last Sadie's he should dance with me.  Ty wouldn't.  So, Codey danced with me.  And Tyler, being the amazing guy that he is, said he didn't care if I danced with other people.  So, I did.  I danced with another guy, and danced with Codey again.  Then, it happened.


      I was dancing with Codey and Tyler just came up and started dancing with me.  Now, I know that this doesn't seem like a big deal.  But it really is.  I fought a long battle with him about dancing with me that I gave up.  He was so adamant about not liking to dance to that music and blah blah blah.  Words cannot express how happy I was.


     Then, when we were slow dancing during the last song, he sang in my ear.  I literally swooned.  

     To make a long story short, guys, I fell a little more in love with Tyler that night.  I feel giddy about him again.  I dream about him.  I just want to be in his arms.  


     He's in New York City right now, and he keeps sending me pictures.  And I can't get him off my mind.  And since this is sort of like my journal, I feel I need to say what is sitting in the back of my mind:  what am I going to do next when I don't get to see him?




Oh, the song he sang to me?  Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls.


"And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life.
'Cause sooner or later it's over.
I just don't want to miss you tonight."

Nerves

Ahhhh!!  My mom reminded me that Annie Get Your Gun is in three weeks and I felt like I was going to throw up!  All of a sudden I got reeeaaalll nervous!  Oh gee!  I hope I am ready.  I've already prayed about it, but would love some more.  

The worst part is senior-itus is starting to kick in.  Not good timing.  This is the busiest time.  Every scholarship in the world is due.   And I feel like I'm going to do all this work for nothing in return.  I'm almost just ready to push fast forward and have March and April fly by.  I want it to slow down for May though.  And I bet that's how it will happen.  I just want to go to prom and dance away all my worries.  

Humanity

So, I was just browsing YouTube, and was catching up on some of my subscriptions.  I watch this show called the Phillip DeFranko Show.  He does the news and makes it funny usually.  It's kind of like the Soup, only real news stories.  Today, however, he was really serious.  He was talking about Japan and the horrible natural disasters there.  He was most touched because his mother called him concerned because she thought he was still in Italy.  He isn't.  But that made him realize that people all over the world were making that same phone call, but not getting a response.  


     But, that's not what really got to me.  What got to me were the comments.  There were so many good ones.  People saying pray for Japan and telling Phil how touching that video was.  It was refreshing to see that side of him.  However, other comments blew my mind.  Like this one: "The Japs killed Americans so I don't really care what happens to them.  I just care about the U.S. west coast."


Hmm. I'm pretty sure we set two nuclear bombs on them.  And killed thousands or more innocent people.  And nuclear bombs don't just kill on impact.  The aftermath affects the lives of those for a long time.  It kills me to think about all the babies born with birth defects because of it.  And yet, they killed us.  So we don't care that thousands of innocent people were swept up by a giant wave as the slept or drove to work.  We don't care that they were crushed by a fallen building during the quake and it's after shocks.  


     when will we decide to see past race, gender, and nationality?  When will we realize we are all people?  


     Pray for Japan.  Pray that Hawaii stays safe.  Pray that we all some humanity.

The Laramie Project

     The other day, I went to see The Laramie Project at West Liberty University.  It was the most moving show I have ever seen.

     The Laramie Project is about the town of Laramie, Wyoming, where a gay man was tied to a fence, beat, and left to die.  It was a hate crime.  A theater troupe went to the town six different times to conduct interviews of the people in the town.  The show is those interviews.  

     The picture shown above is my favorite scene in the show.  Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, was outside the boy's funeral, "protesting".  Romaine Patterson, a close friend of the boy, was very disturbed by this.  So, to combat their hate, she founded Angel Action.  They dressed up as angels with wings 10 feet high and stood around the protesters, hiding them from the rest of the crowd and hiding their hateful signs.  

    The thing that moved me the most about that was the Westboro Church was supposed to be picketing the show.  The picket every showing of the Laramie Project.  They also picket soldier's funerals.  They picketed the Memorial Day parade in Washington D.C. last year when I was there.  They are allowed to believe what they believe.  I will not tell them they are wrong in what they believe.  But the hateful way they go about their religion is not ok.  It is not ok to picket a son's funeral.  The boy died.  Whether you believe in his lifestyle or not. How can you protest a soldier's funeral?  He died.  What is there to protest?  You can protest war.  But by causing a family so much hurt, what kind of Christian does that make you?  Jesus did not want us to hate.  Jesus did not hate.  God does not hate.  How can you justify your hate?

     Another part of the show that moved me was the interview with the young college girl who found the boy  tied to the fence.  She went for a bike ride.  She didn't really know where she was going, and even though she was riding through thick sand, she kept going.  Eventually, she hit a rock and went over the handle bars.  That's when she found him.  The thing she couldn't figure out was why God had led her to him.  Why did he want her to find him?  When the troupe interviewed her later, after the murderers trials, she had realized that it was so he didn't die alone.  She needed to find him so he could die with his family by his side.  

     If you ever get a chance to see The Laramie Project, I highly recommend it.  It's actually a movie also, so I suggest renting it.  It's a very wonderful show, with a wonderful message.

"But I liked him, see, because he was straightforward.  Maybe gay, but straightforward."

Busy Busy Busy

      I have been one busy beaver.  We have practice everyday, even on Saturdays!  I don't really stop.  But I love it.  I've come to realize I hate not having something to do after school.  I just feel lazy.  Play practice just makes me so happy.  I get to spend time with my friends and it's just so much fun.  
  
    I'm trying to figure out my character.  The real Annie Oakley was one amazing woman.  She was full of spunk and drive.  My favorite thing that I read about her was that when she was in Germany, she shot the ashes off the Kaiser's cigarette.  The joke around the country was that if she had missed, she would have prevented World War 1.  When the war started, she wrote to the Kaiser and asked him if she could have a second shot.  bahaha.  What spunk?!  I love it.  And the true life love story of her and Frank Butler is wonderful.  He actually died of a broken heart when she died.  Well, he actually quit eating, but still....


    However, my Annie Oakley isn't really that...I mean, she gives up so Frank's ego won't be hurt and he'll marry her.  I would never ever do that.  If a guy can't accept the fact that I'm a better shot than him, then he's not the guy for me.  So, it's hard for me to do that section of the play.  But I'm really going to try to put the real Annie Oakley in there, because she was amazing and I believe I would count her as one of my heroes now.


    On another note, I got my housing information for Marshall, and I have to pick a Freshmen interest group, which will be a small group of kids like me and I'll have some of my classes with them.  But, the thing is, I have to choose between Chorus or Media Literacy. It's so hard.  I'm leaning more towards Chorus, even though I'm going into Journalism.  I don't ever want to stop singing.  The kids last year from Madrigal who didn't stay with music say they regret it.  I would miss it so much.  I don't think I could go without it.


     It was a beautiful day though.  I cannot wait until spring is here for good.  I know this is just a teaser.


    Oh!  The show is April 7, 8, and 9th, for anyone interested! :)

A Starring Role...with Hurt Feelings On the Side.

     Good news!  I got the lead!!  I am Annie! I am so excited!  It is really a great chance to act and become someone new and I cannot wait!  I am already in love with some of my songs, and I just got the script today! :)


    Excited as I am though, today wasn't so great.  People were really upset that they didn't get big parts, and they took it out on me.  My two best friends didn't even look at me today, let alone tell me congratulations.  That hurt me a lot.  If I was in their positions, I'd be disappointed, but I'd be able to tell them congrats and say I was happy for them.  But instead I was shunned.  I walked into the room today, and they completely ignored me.  I almost started to cry, ran out of the room and went straight into Ty's arms.  I didn't make the cast.  It's not my fault I was put in the lead.  And not to be conceited, but I have the most acting experience than any of them.  I've been doing this since the fifth grade and I've paid my dues.  I feel like I deserve this role and I deserve to be happy and excited about it.


     I hate when my friends let me down.  It happens too much in high school...


"I got lost in his arms...
I got lost, but look what I found."

Real Quick News

   I almost forgot to say I have a call back tomorrow for Annie Get Your Gun!  Wish me luck!

Oh, and Steelers lost the Superbowl.  Bummer.  But, I like the Packers, so I can respect that.

High five for shortest blog! :)

Ice skating...on my driveway.

     While I do feel I got left out of the big storm of 2010, we definitely have some ice.  Snow, slush, rain, and then freezing temperatures have turned my driveway into a complete sheet of ice.  No fun, let me tell you.


     But, the ice did  not stop me from auditioning for Annie Get Your Gun today.  I think I did pretty good.  I really liked my monologue, and I definitely have the most experience.  So, keep your fingers crossed. 


     I love my new semester classes.  Speech is going to be awesome!  And being an office aid is great.  I like work like that.  If my journalism career doesn't work, I can for sure be a secretary.  


     My brain is a little scattered right now, but I do want you all to go on Itunes and check out Chaos Killed.  It's my boyfriend's brother's band.  They are the local hit, and they are just now on Itunes.  It would be great to show some support and buy some of their music.  I love it.  Plus, the songs are just .99!  Baltimore is my favorite.


"Leave me in this place,
While I find some peace."


It reminds me of camp.

New Beginnings

     Today was the last day of semester one.  It. Dragged.  On.  Forever.  I am so glad to be done with college human anatomy I can't even explain.  Next semester is going to be wonderful.  I am taking College English online, then in school I have honors Pre-Calc, office aid, madrigal, and speech!  I cannot wait!! Easy easy easy!  Yay! (Yes, senior-itus has indeed set in)

     I have musical auditions next week and then that will get started.  I'm not excited yet, but I'm sure I will be once it gets started.  I'm really hoping for a lead. We are doing "Annie Get Your Gun".  "There's NO business, like SHOW business, like NO business I knoooww!!" :) I have to prepare a monologue though for the audition, and I've never had to do that before.  I'm not really sure what I should do yet.  But I need to figure it out so I can practice! If you have any suggestions, I will gladly take them!

     Well,  I should probably get some sleep.  New semester tomorrow, and I have to get up early because I have Academic team. Boo. We were supposed to get snow, but unless it just manifests out of no where on top of us, I don't think it's going to happen.

You're in Steeler Country now!

     I haven't gotten to write in a while because I've been so busy studying and then we had snow days, and nothing happens on snow days.  Exams have been pushed back so far!  Plus, I was planning a surprise birthday party for Tyler, whose birthday was last Friday.  He was so surprised!  It was worth every stressful second because he felt so loved!

     Of course, pertaining to my title, the Steelers have just beaten the Jets and are on their way to the Superbowl for I believe the 8th time.  Stairway to 7 rings is what some people are saying on Facebook.  It's exciting.  Superbowls  are so much more fun when you actually care about the game.

     But speaking of Facebook, I've decided to go spring cleaning a little early and delete all the negative people.  There has been a lot of fighting over stupid things recently and I really don't want all the bad energy coming through my computer.  It's not worth it.  For example, my good friend got her feelings hurt because she likes the show Jersey Shore.   Stupid stuff like that.

     Here's the story.  Jersey Shore is a very popular show.  I have never seen it, nor do I want to, but lots of people love it.  And every Thursday when there is a new episode, Facebook explodes with posts about Jersey Shore.  I don't care.   But some people hate it and hate on the people who like the show.  And they take their anti-Shore posts way too far.  It happened tonight with the Steelers.  People around here are Steeler fans and are excited they are going to the Superbowl.  But heaven forbid we talk about it because it makes other people mad.  It's so silly.  I am allowed to post whatever I want on Facebook, and if its about the Steelers, what harm am I doing? None.  But people hate.  And I am tired of it.

     So, spring cleaning time.  No more negative mean people.

Go Steelers :)

Revelation, Epiphany, Eureka!

     Yes,  I know I am posting twice in a matter of, what, not even an hour.  But I had a revelation, or whatever you want to call it.

     I have constantly wondered why God put me through some of the things he put me through at the beginning of junior year.  I hated soccer.  I dreaded the end of the day because I didn't want to go to practice.  And, while I was looking back, I couldn't for the life of me discover why God made me go through that.  I cried once a week.  I could not find a reason for it. But it just hit me.  That's how I met Kylie.  I was put there for a reason.  I'm in her life for a reason.  I might not know what just yet, but that is why and I know it.

     Also, after last retreat we were sent a song of the week.  Each and every single one of those songs has helped me through this weekend.  Each song pertains to what I or someone else is going through.  I wondered how those songs would help me.  But, here they are, giving me hope and strength.

     I was waiting for my sign.  For God to say, here I am.  Well, he's spread out through these songs.

Healing Words

     I had youth group tonight, and I needed it so much.  I think we all did.  Lee Lee answered all of my questions and set my mind at ease.  I think God read my last post and my mind, and then whispered all the answers in her ear for me to hear.

     As for an update, Kylie is now stable.  She cried real tears and had surgery on her esophagus.  Thank God.

    I also am asking for prayers for my teachers, Mr. Taylor (my choir director) and Mrs. Steffey (the band director).  They saved her life, yet will be forever scarred and haunted.  This will forever change them.  I hope they know what wonderful people and teachers they are.  They would drop anything and everything to do something for their students.  Mr. Taylor is there for each and every one of us.  When I need reassurance or any kind of help, I know I can turn to him.

     I am now going to go write some letters to each of them.  I need to tell them how I feel, but I know I wouldn't be able to say it in person.  I need to get this out.

"All I want is place to call my own,
To mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone."
-A Day to Remember

I See You

     I came home today with full intentions of writing about rumors and how they spread like wildfire through a high school.  But then I got some news about that rumor...

     Today, we had a two hour delay, so everything was out of whack.  After second block, we went to fourth.  Between that time their was something going on in the music department of the school.  People asked me what was going on, but I didn't know because I didn't have class down there second block.  Well, my two friends who do have class down there came into fourth block and said someone got hurt down there and they shut the whole wing down.  I know the girl; she played soccer with me last year.  I was of course worried and feared the worst.  And of course because of instant access to Facebook from our cellphones, rumors were already being spread.  I was furious.  No one who was even in the department knew what was going on, yet people were spreading all this stuff.  All I knew was they were lifeflighting her.

  But now I know what really happened.  She tried to kill herself.  I don't even want to write it.  And it hurts me so much because I never saw it coming.  She didn't succeed, thank God.  But what was going on in her head that no one knew about?  When I would look at her, I would see a beautiful girl who was for sure going to be in Madrigal next year because she has a beautiful voice.  I saw a love of music in her and a love of the music department that I love so much.  She has a spunk that I am jealous of.  She always makes it a point to say hi to me, and I always make sure I say hi back with a smile.  But maybe I should have done more.  Took more time to get to know her.  Of course, she is two years younger than me.  We have no classes together, and we both no longer play soccer.  But still... I just feel like something could have been done.  Maybe I could have done something to change her life.

    When your still trying to find yourself, it's so hard to see anyone else.  Your stuck in your world.  I guess, maybe we all need to be a bit more open to everyone else.


"We can't be oblivious
We are not ignorant

Blood in our hearts
Blood on our hands

We're human
We reason
We're breathing
Protecting
You're living and dying,surviving,we're trying
To breathe in safety
Come home safely"
-Flyleaf

Lean On Me

This is a blog about a good friend who is in need of prayer, but won't ask for it himself. Details aren't really necessary, but I will say that he is going through something that is hard on it's own, but his situation makes it a little more complicated. My prayer for him is that he finds someone that he can count on and open up to. Right now, he doesn't tell anyone anything. It's kind of like he's not going through anything at all, even though we all know better. So, my prayer for him is that he has or finds someone to talk to. I really hope he does. I wish I could be that person for him, but I don't think it's supposed to be me.

On a lesser note, it's snowing bunches right now! We got out of school early and now I'm just relaxing on my couch with my puppy. Actually, she's kind of whiney right now, so I should probably take her outside!

Ah, 2 hour delays.

Two hour delay tomorrow! Good stuff. I wish all days could be two hour delays. It is the perfect amount of sleep.

I don't really have much to write about today. I almost got slid off the road today by a big trucker who decided it was o.k. to fly past my little car going up hill in the snow. My last Christmas concert was tonight too. Boo. :( I want to keep singing those songs. That's one thing about choir; I hate learning new music. It's so tedious.

Well, because of lack of things to say, I am going to share with you some great lyrics from Dave Matthews. I forgot about this song until it came on my Ipod on my way home from school. The song is from their newest album. It's called Time Bomb.

I'm a ticking time bomb

Waiting to blow my top

No one would ever know

Not until I blew up

No one would believe it

He was such a normal guy

Shake their heads and wonder why

Martians fell from the sky

What would that do to God?

Would we put the weapons down

Or aim it up at the sky

No one would believe it

Except the f------ nut jobs

They laugh and cry we told you so

Baby when I get home

I want to believe in Jesus

Hammer in the final nail

Help me pick up the pieces

When everything starts to fall

So fast that it terrifies you

When will you hit the wall?

Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it

Except for all the people

Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

And lean me up against Jesus

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

I want to believe in Jesus

I bolded and colored my favorite part. It just puts such a wonderful picture in my head.

I also fell in love with Flyleaf's new EP. This song is called Light Your Eyes. The melody is absolutely beautiful. Definitely go take a listen. Very little people actually realize Flyleaf is a Christian rock band because of how heavy their music usually is. This new album, however, is incredibly soft and beautiful.

Pour the wine

Light revives

Lowering walls that divide

Kings and Queens yearn to seek

Love in all its mystery

When all we wanted was love,

We got cut up and burned

But there's a light in your eyes

And it tells me

That God is on our side

The waning moon

Your sweet perfume

Incense for the Holy Ones

Secret hymns pour from your lips

Healing for this broken soul

We'd drive late

And let the music tell our fate

For me this is heaven

Drown our fears

And we may age

If we do not die today

Until then we'll let

This music be our prayers

When all we wanted was love,

We got cut up and burned

But there's a light in your eyes

And it tells me

That God is on our side

And all we need now is love

We've been through enough

We can't run just 'cause we're scared

We've come this far

We're not giving up

All we need now is love

We've been through enough

We can't run just 'cause we're scared

We've come this far

We're not giving up

Sweet Serendipity

I just want to say thanks for all the comments. After last nights blog, I cried a little and told God that this was my heart and that I needed his strength and comfort. I slept well last night. There were no worries, no fears. He gives me what I need, which was a beautiful blue sky, laughter, and singing a beautiful song.

Speaking of singing, I have a concert tomorrow and I cannot wait to get into my Madrigal dress again. But I am sad because it is the last time I will sing those songs, and I love each and every one of them.

I'm also thinking I should explain what Madrigal choir is for those who don't know. Madrigal was a secular piece of Renaissance music. We dress up in Renaissance style dress, sing accapella, and sing Madrigal pieces and many other types. It's the honors choir at our school. We also put on a Medieval feast every December. It's really fun. I am the queen of the choir this year, and the President of the choir. I give the pitches on the pitch pipe, and the King starts and stops every song by giving a little bounce.

Anyway, I fell back in love with singing today and I can't wait to do it again.

"And I'm doing just fine,

I'm always landing on my feet

In the nick of time and by the skin of my teeth.

I ain't gonna stress,

The worst ain't happened yet,

Something's watching over me

Like Sweet Serendipidy"

-Lee DeWyze

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I wish I could summarize in one word how I am feeling at the moment. Anxious, I guess? But that doesn't really seem right. But I will say that I feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment.

I'm scared out of my mind for one. Scared of the future. Scared of my next step. Scared of college. Absolutely terrified. When I think about it my eyes water, and my chest feels tight. I don't know anything anymore. I thought I was sure of my path, but now I don't really know. Is leaving those I love most and moving four hours away really the best and right choice? All the books, movies, and tv shows seem to think not. They always end up choosing the ones they love over the other option. Jacki in That 70's Show for instance. And I know it seems silly, but that episode really messed up my thinking. Maybe I'm just looking for signs in all the wrong places...

Here's my thought process when I lay awake at night:

1. How is this the right choice? How is Marshall possibly right? I'm moving four hours away (too far away as people keep saying) and practically by myself. Yeah, good choice.

2. But what would my other options be anyway? I don't like any of the schools near me. And do I really want to be 15 min. from my house? Is that a college experience?

3. But it would be so much easier to be close to home. And I could see everyone.

4. Ok. Maybe I should go look at some schools around here. I only looked at West Liberty, which I didn't like. It always rains when I'm there. I don't take it as a good sign. Maybe I should look elsewhere before I really decide (my first normal and good productive thought).

5. But Marshall has everything that I want. I felt so right there. It felt so perfect. And I felt like that was really my path. Maybe I need to pray on it more.

Ok, and I'm not going to hide it anymore. It really all comes back to Tyler. How far away can I be from him? Are we strong enough to do this? If I leave, will it change everything? I don't want anything to change...

And that's whats even deeper. I don't want anything to change. I am absolutely terrified of big change. And I can't sleep at night because I know the biggest change in my life is just around the bend and I can't stop it.

"And I can live without you but,

Without you I'll be miserable at best.."

-Mayday Parade

I've Been A Good Little Worker Bee

School. That pretty much sums up my day. I got a headache, like clockwork, right after lunch. It starts above my left eye, works its way over the right, then ends up at the base of my neck by the time I get home. This only happens at school. Only there. Possible reasons? Stress, the lighting, just the weather in general, sinuses, ect. I don't know. Oh, there was a new attendance policy put in place for next semester. I can't miss more than 3 unexcused days of school. If we do, no prom, Sadie Hawkins, talent show, assemblies, ect. That got people in an uproar for sure.

I did learn something today though. Family, no matter how annoying, won't ever annoy you enough to drive you away. And this is any family. My Madrigal family taught me that today. Don't get me wrong, they can be amazing and really funny. But sometimes, when you have a headache, things just aren't as funny. But I still look forward to that class and those people, no matter what. Because I love them.

One last thing, that really has nothing to do with the rest of the blog. It's a quote from Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance, from Rolling Stone. He's talking about his relationship with his wife, Lyndsey:

"It's like, when you're in your 20s, you're just getting used to the dating thing and you're hiding your comic books, but then you meet that person one day that you can show your comic books to. I think that's what we do for each other: We make it so we can take the guard down."

I like that because I think that's what you really want in a relationship. Someone you can let your guard down with.

Well, back to work for me. I hope I can get into the groove of school again. I really need to keep my grade up in College Human Anatomy so I can get an A.

"I've been a good little worker bee,

I deserve a gold star..."

-Motion City Soundtrack

Memories.

Well, 2010 is over. I'd say finally, but I kind of wish it would have lasted a little longer. Thank God that December lasted long. And you know, December was a pretty good month, all things considered. All in all, I guess 2010 was pretty good year. Looking back...yeah, it was. Here's a highlight of all my favorite memories, month by month.

January.

• On the very first day of the year, my best friend Linsey and I had an Ikea adventure, or misadventure. It took us forever to get there, then we got lost once in the store. We were too weak to drive the cart straight and Linsey used her debit card as a credit card so it wouldn't go through. Needless to say, we never stopped laughing.
• Traveled to Pittsburgh with Tyler, Mason, and Chelsey to see Motion City Soundtrack, Set Your Goals, This Providence, and The Swellers. It was a school night and my ears were ringing the next day. But thats the price you pay for being up front!

February

• Tyler made me a rose out of construction paper for Valentine's Day. Best valentine ever.

March and April

• Madrigal choir had many fundraisers these two months because we were going to Washington D.C. for Memorial Day. We had a Battle of the Bands to raise money and I got to take all the pictures. We also had a rummage sale, during which all the girls played dress up. That was a great time.
• Took the ACT, then went to see How To Train Your Dragon with Becca and Joey. That was super fun.

May

• The best trip ever! Washington D.C. with the Madrigal Choir! This was the funnest trip ever! I wish I could go back and relive it all. We sang at the Kennedy Center with one of the Irish Tenors. Staying up late with my beautiful roommates, hanging out with Tyler and Joey, and seeing D.C. Ah, I loved every second!

June

• This was the first summer camp that I was excited to go home. Not because I was homesick or hated it, but because I wanted to put to use all that I had learned about myself. I discovered so much about myself that week in June.

July

• Warped Tour will always make my list of memories. Just awesome.

August

• Rolling down my hill on my 18th birthday. Period.

I'm just going to put football season. That is a big part of my senior year. From Big Red, to killing Weirton, to South Charleston and the injunction. I followed those boys from the time they started playing and I supported them to the end. There is something about football season that brings kids together that would never be together. I will always remember and be fully touched by the bus ride home from the devestating South Charleston football game. Us seniors were so together, singing old songs and laughing and dancing. Highlight of my senior year.

I'm also just going to put Madrigal Season because it spans over several months. The feast this year was the best ever and I am so thankful that I got the chance to be queen. I am also so thankful that I got to become so close to everyone. The cast party was so amazing. We stayed up all night long and talk about everything. I've never opened up so much to that many people. I love my madrigal family.

Well, I realize that this post is mostly for me to remember my year. It's been a great one. This next year is one big leap of faith. I'm putting all my trust in God like never before. But, I know that it's going to be ok. It's going to be another great year. Hear's to the memories!

School starts tomorrow. Wish me luck..